Boyhood and Toxic Masculinity in Pakistan
Is the “Angry Young Man” truly an inherent quality in desi men?
The gendered concept of masculinity is taught to men starting right from the time of their birth in Pakistani society. The family is usually overjoyed at the birth of yet another male heir to carry on the bloodline and take the family name forward. Be it a first born or a second son, brothers are brought up very differently from their sisters in Pakistan, even whilst living in the same family home.
Words such as strong, dominant, authoritative, provider, dependable and fighter are commonly associated with desi men. Phrases like “boys don’t cry” are used in an effort to make them strong. They are persistently taught to ignore the many hurts that may come their way in the course of their lives, until they are simply unable to acknowledge any feelings ‘lower’ than anger.
In an alternate universe, where they would be raised for their humanity rather than their ferocity, desi men would be taught to acknowledge any hurt(s) and allow for time to heal from the pain of such experiences as they may come across in the course of their lives. Presently, however, that is not the case for most men raised in Pakistani society.
Starting from when they are mere boys, the concept(s) of the “tough as nails”, “virile” and “angry young man” is slowly added into their mental melting pot, to the point that masculinity becomes their entire identity.
Real men around us rarely fit this description, however.
While they may identify with a few words, they may not relate to all of the above definitions of what makes a man. After all, having to be constantly “strong and tough” sounds tiring.
As a society, we have created rigid conversations around what a man should be. From an early age, boys are taught to “be tough” and “not act like girls” — especially if they are feeling emotional, or want to cry. The phrase “like a girl” is used as a cudgel to beat any sensitivity the boy(s) displays, until the man he becomes considers all emotion, aside from anger, to be akin to weakness. The rigid ideals of what a man should or should not be create massive pressure on both boys and men to prove their masculinity. If they do not conform to societal expectations of what a real man is like, they are often ridiculed by family and friends alike — and sometimes may even be punished for it.
Learning Masculinity At Home
In Pakistan, the lives of men and women cannot be more different. Silent observation of the individuals that populate these two groups (albeit in their difference walks of life) will make these differences easily apparent.
Women are taught to observe decorum and abide by strict bounds of propriety. From the correct way to sit before others (legs always tightly closed and feet together, because folding one leg atop the other — while sitting with others — is considered bad manners, or fast, by many) to the correct tone one must use when addressing individuals (always in a soft voice, no matter the provocation, because nobody appreciates a screaming banshee), the rules girls are made to follow seem to be endless. In comparison, their counterparts are given free reign (more or less) with which to lead their lives.
Blessed to be men, they can saunter about the city with their raucous friends, returning home at the ungodly hour of 4am, only to be greeted by a worried father’s frown and the warm embrace of a loving mother; who would, in turn, awaken their sleeping sisters to rush and heat up some food for their oh-so-famished brother. Not a peep will be heard, nor a blink, nor a thought regarding what these boys (turning into men) may have been up to. What do they do racing about the dark streets in their cars at night? Who do they visit? What do they get up to? Their gender protects them from all scrutiny. A man can murder his own wife and still get out on bail, with the courts (surprise surprise!) shortly acquitting him of all charges; deeming the affair to be “a personal matter”.
In contrast, the mere suspicion of inappropriate behavior, or even an accusation by a third party of such behavior, can end a woman’s life.
The introductory lessons to masculinity often begin at home. From purchasing their toys (with monster trucks restricted for boys and Barbie dolls for girls) to letting them choose their favorite colors (the color pink is involuntarily always restricted for girls) to allowing them to pursue their favorite activity (staying inside the house is for girls and playing sports outside is for boys), parents and family members, consciously and unconsciously, teach boys and girls behaviors and mannerisms that are deemed to be more in line with their respective genders. It is no wonder. then, that many boys grow up to have an aversion to everything “girlie”, which later grows into more deep-set beliefs for the women in their lives.
Growing up around such societal norms, with contradictory rules that change according to the gender they are aimed at, it is no wonder that boys in Pakistani society grow up with the most toxic concept of masculinity.
For those of us who are unaware of what this entails, toxic masculinity refers to harmful behavior and attitudes that are stereotypically associated with men. Some common behaviors that stem from such a toxic mentality include the need to repress emotions during stressful situations and to act aggressively in order to dominate others.
Common phrases that are used to drive out any ‘effeminate’ thoughts in men include “mard ko dard nahi hota” (men don’t feel pain) and “mard ban” (be a man). Such phrases, commonly used to help bolster one forth during times of pressure, reiterate the belief that to be a man in desi society is to be invincible; unable to show the slightest sign of hesitation or weakness.
Each time a boy is told to stop crying and become a “man”, he learns to reign in his emotions — until he begins to completely disregard them as weakness. Instead of teaching boys — and men — how to deal with emotions, we teach them to suppress their feelings. Over time, this replaces perfectly healthy emotions like love, hurt and sadness with an all-encompassing rage. Anger is usually considered to be a suitable form of expression for most situations with regards to men.
Built on the notion that being tough with a boy will make him turn into a stronger man, ready to take on the world; this concept is flawed in its essence. The angry young man trope is harmful to men, their families and society in general.
Anger is an emotion mostly reserved for desi men.
Consistently repressing emotions to prevent one from seeming weak leads to an accumulation of bitterness and resentment. The fear of being seen as inferior to other men in a society where masculinity is prized for its tough, herculean quality, can drive many to overcompensate in an effort to be accepted (and, hopefully, revered) by others.
Such warped notions of masculinity not only affect the boys and men who exhibit such behavior, but also those around them who may not identify with, or relate to, conventionally masculine traits. Additionally, being bound to such stereotypes also creates an image of women in the minds of boys and men, making them seem “weak” and inferior; prone to being emotional and a bundle of nerves.
Education and The Idea of Masculinity
Such gendered concepts are not restricted to the family home, however. Many educational institutions reinforce traditional social constructs in the minds of children and adults. This can be done by conscious / unconscious gender segregation within the classrooms (that the teachers usually encourage) and the constant policing of groups of friends by teachers and other members of the school staff to ensure the ratio of male to female students is relatively equal (for example, if there are a couple of girls in a group of boys they are considered sluts, while a couple of boys in a group of girls are considered wimps). The latter are treated with ridicule by their friends and teachers alike, and may even have to face humiliating jibes from their peers and teachers for being “too girlie”.
Sports, an essential part of every child’s education, is a highly gendered activity in most institutes. Growing up, many girls are actively discouraged from taking part in “rough” games and sports — including as football and basketball — by their families. It is very rare to find a school teacher who is willing to push the girl(s) forward to actively take part in sports.
The different reasons given to justify such attitudes are just as irrational. Girls above a certain age (or those who seem to have physically matured early) are encouraged to play “quieter” games, such as board games, that do not require them to race around a playground in full view of other males present. Those (lucky few) who are encouraged and supported by their families to pursue their passion in the sports activities of their choice, must steel themselves against the occasional snide remarks passed by their peers and teachers.
“Tumhari sash peechay ki taraf chali gai thi. Tum kese bhaag rahi thi ground main? Sab dekh rahay thay.” (Your sash was flying behind you. How were you running in the playground? Everyone was watching you.) I remember one girl chastising another in school during PE class when the latter finally reached us, huffing and puffing, after a round of jogging. I felt a strange unease at her tone of voice, and could not help noticing the slight blush of embarrassment that colored the other’s cheeks as a result. It was almost as if she were accusing her (in stealth) of unseemly conduct.
Fifteen years on, I can still not understand, nor can I agree with, that statement. Why must girls step away from the most basic of activities, such as running in the school playground, for fear of being seen by other boys and men? If the sight of a girl simply running from one end of a playground to the other disturbs boys and men so much, the onus is on them to acknowledge, and work to heal, whatever sick part of their minds conjures up such (frankly abnormal) thoughts.
It is also important to remember that educational institutions reinforce gender norms and notions of masculinity in a dominant heterosexual context. Any students facing anxiety regarding their gender identity(s) must guard that secret with his/her life, for fear of ridicule, ostracization — and even death at the hands of other overzealous, fanatical students (in some parts of Pakistan).
The male characters children are taught about in school are often considered “ideal men”, who inspire the rest of society with their strength. These are usually “ultra strong” men, who command respect, are dominating and “cast fear” in the hearts of their enemies. Teachers will often tell boys to “be strong” which is akin to “do not cry” if they get hurt in the school playground or get into a fight with one another. Since the teachers themselves usually belong to a deeply patriarchal and misogynist society, such phrasing is automatic; without much though put into how it may be affecting the mental health and self-esteem of the children.
The internalized misogyny that most children imbibe (both in school and at home) is commonly displayed in the taunts boys in the playground throw at each other, including “larki se haar gaya” (you lost to a girl) and “larkiyan nahi khelti ye” (girls don’t play such games), etc. Such taunts destroy the fragile wall of masculinity the boy works so hard to build, making him harden his heart and emotionally detach himself in his effort to become “tougher”. These toxic mindsets slowly translate into the life choices boys are allowed to make; such as when faced with the choice of a possible career or when pursuing a field of education.
A career that does not fall in line with society’s expectations for his masculinity will not be acceptable to the family. This is why fields of engineering, aeronautics, accounting and science predominantly consist of male students, whereas women are usually found pursuing degrees such as home economics, commerce and premedical; no matter how rare it may be to see them actually pursuing an actual career after they graduate.
Such concepts and contradictory behaviors reinforce the idea of what the perfect man should be in the minds of impressionable boys — and girls. They determine the choices he makes, and how he reacts to certain situations that do not fit in the stereotypical box that is masculinity.
Public Spaces and Masculinity
Pakistan’s public spaces are overrun by men. It is rare to see women travelling alone outside her home in Pakistan; without the presence of a male family member. Even in large urban cities, such as Karachi, the lack of safety and accessibility with regards to public spaces greatly hinders women’s mobility.
Women and their needs are rarely considered when designing public spaces.
In Pakistan, women do not enjoy the same privileges as men, even in recreation. There is hardly a recreational space that is easily accessible, affordable by the majority, and solely dedicated to women (outside the home). It is rare to see a public space that is accommodating to women. Women and their needs are rarely considered when public spaces are being designed.
Whether it is sitting “properly” on a motorcycle (always behind a man, always sitting faced to one side with both legs crossed for modesty) or stepping outside for a few minutes to undertake some chores, women in Pakistan are constantly policed.
Women are constantly reminded of their second-class status in Pakistani society by the lack of public spaces they can safely occupy, along with the boundaries that are their for their own “protection”. They are told time and again that going into public areas is unsafe, and are encouraged to stay within the confines of their homes. If they must leave the four walls within which they are perpetually trapped, they should first have a purpose.
Toxic Masculinity — A Social Construct
Toxic masculinity is not just restricted to women, however. In such a deeply patriarchal society like Pakistan, the constant policing also affects the concepts of masculinity in the minds of women and girls.
What most desi women and girls find “manly” and how they are taught to be “demure” is all a result of patriarchy and the toxic culture of masculinity. Many women learn too late how harmful these extreme gender stereotypes are — usually after they have been trapped in an endless, loveless marriage.
It is similarly harmful to men.
Cultural stereotypes of masculinity consist of certain behavioral guidelines that a man must obey in order to be respected by (most) other men. Forced at every turn to re-evaluate their self-worth based on their masculinity (very similar to the cavemen of primitive times), most men become obsessed with the idea of strength. This translates to the emotional and physical abuse they put their families through (especially their wives and daughters) within the safety their homes. Their lust for control and dominance, which directly stems from their masculinity — which, by now, has become a part of their biological identity — results in violent, gender-based crimes.
Unable to believe that women, belonging to the inferior and weak gender, can dare to refuse to comply, they are pushed to great extremes to prove their worth to the men in their social circles, and to society in general. The practices of killing for honor, acid attacks and domestic violence stem from this rotting root at the core of our society’s highly gendered culture.
Women who try to steer the conversation to different waters are cruelly labeled as “NGO Aunties” and “Feminazis”. Their efforts for raising awareness regarding such toxic mindsets are either brushed aside or crushed. In order to help change our society, we must be prepared to shoulder the majority of the blame for “corrupting” our society; women in particular.
Patriarchy is heavily dependent on keeping this dominating, toxic form of masculinity alive. In order to keep its unbending control over women — and society in general — these concepts must be continuously watered and kept alive in the minds of everyone (directly or indirectly) affected by them.
Until these perceptions regarding what being the perfect man, or what masculinity itself entails can be changed in the minds of the general public, the fight against patriarchy and its systems of oppression will come to nothing.
